Skip to me Loo
by Nathaniel Cardeu
Summary: It's a fine day in Danville and Buford demands that the boys help him out! Meanwhile Perry is on a mission to find out what Doofenshmirtz is up to due his suspicous behaviour in the supermarket!  Written just for a laugh! Please R&R! *Updated & Complete*
1. The boys plan! The platypus acts!

**Obligatory Disclaimer:** I do not own Phineas and Ferb or any of the characters associated with said cartoon. I do however think that they are awesome and wish they had been my friends when I was younger.

**A/N:** I wrote this story as if I was watching an episode of the cartoon and I hope that comes across. Critical reviews very welcome… flames, not so much.

Many thanks to Kissy Fishy for Beta reading this work! It reads much better now!

**Skip to me Loo**

**- Scene 1 -**

It was another fine summer's day at the Flynn/Fletcher household. The boys, Phineas and Ferb, were sitting out in the garden in their usual place under the tree, their pet platypus, Perry, fast asleep next to them. "Well Ferb," said Phineas suddenly, "This isn't getting anything done… what's next on our agenda?"

Ferb produced an old and battered looking diary, opened it up, licked his finger and flicked through the pages rapidly. For a moment there was only the sound of rustling paper. Before he could get to the page he wanted, a large hand reached over his shoulder and snatched the book away. Startled the boys looked up to see Buford Van Stomm standing behind them. "Me! _I'm_ on your agenda today!" the square faced bully said, his black T-shirt with the skull on it looking especially menacing today.

"Oh, hey Buford," Phineas said brightly, "You need a hand with something?"

"Yeah, Halloween is coming up in a couple of months and I need a better way of tricking people this year," he said. His expression turned thoughtful as he said, "I'm thinking toilet roll this year. A lot of it!" His finger was thrust out and it poked Ferb in the nose, causing the green haired boy's eyes to cross trying to see it. "And I need you guys to build something so I can get as many houses as possible, as quickly as possible! Time is money!" Buford glared at the two boys.

Ferb reached out and took back the diary, still with Buford's finger pressing into his nose. Pulling out a sheet of graph paper, he showed it to Buford. The boy took it and looked at it closely for a moment before a grin lit up his face, "I like it!" his finger moved swiftly from Ferb's nose to point straight between Phineas' eyes and the pointy nosed boy put his hands up in surrender. "Phineas! I know what you two are gonna do today!"

Upstairs in her room Candace Flynn lounged on her bed, her cell phone stuck to the side of her head chattering away to Stacey. "So Jeremy was, like, 'Hi Candace' and so I was all 'Hi Jeremy'; playing it very cool. But then _mom_ came over and totally stopped us talking so I had to go and I think Jeremy said he would call." She sat up suddenly, "Will he call me? Do you think that's what he said?" At that moment there was a crash of metal and Phineas' voice drifted in through the window; "Careful Ferb, that power source is delicate!"

Stacey told Candace that, as she hadn't been there, she actually had no idea what Jeremy had said but Candace, unfortunately, had stopped listening. With a growl Candace sprang off of her bed, "Sorry Stacey, gotta go! Need to bust my brothers!" Snapping her cell closed Candace stormed up to the window and looked out in time to see, vanishing round the side of the house, Phineas, Ferb, Buford and a wheelbarrow. The latter was loaded with bits of scrap metal, blue paper diagrams and a strange glowing yellow spinning object. "PHINEAS! FERB!"

"Hi Candace!" Phineas' voice drifted round the corner of the house leaving Candace fuming. She turned and stomped out of her room and down the stairs.

Reaching the garden she was met by the sight of Ferb welding chunks of metal together. His welders mask covered his face completely and he was surrounded by bright orange sparks. Phineas and Buford were standing to one side, looking at a large blue print laid out on a folding table. Both wore hard hats and walkie talkies. A bright blue megaphone sat on the table, holding one end of the blueprint down; Perry lay asleep on the other end.

"What are you doing now!" yelled Candace as she stomped up to the boys. She slammed her hands down on the table, waking Perry. The platypus gazed blankly at the tall blonde before rattling his bill, making his trademark strange noise at her and settling back down again to sleep.

"Oh hi again Candace." said Phineas happily, gesturing towards the blueprint and Ferb, "Isn't it great? Buford's asked us to help him create something so he can get through Halloween as quickly as possible this year. That way he can get home and enjoy the candy!"

Candace glanced up at Buford who just stared back before saying, "I got targets! So what?"

Candace shook her head and fixed Phineas with an icy stare. "I'm not gonna put up with your weirdness today! Mom left me in charge while she went to the store and you will so totally be busted if you start with me!" her voice had gotten louder and more shrill as her rant went on. Ferb had stopped welding by this point and had lifted his mask to stare at Candace. Walking backwards, she pointed two fingers to her own eyes before pointing at all three boys in the universal "I'm watching you." gesture. "Busted." she whispered in a gravely voice whilst backing away.

Eventually, she reached the house and disappeared inside. For a moment there was only silence, broken by the wind rustling the leaves. Phineas turned to Ferb after a moment and said, "Have you noticed how Candace seems to get a little edgy when we're working on something?" Ferb just shrugged and dropped the welding mask again before applying the blue flame to the metal once more.

Just then a girl's face appeared over the fence, a pink bow in her black hair and her eyes wide and sparkling at the sight of Phineas. "Hi Phineas!" squeaked Isabella.

"Oh hi Isabella." said Phineas with a smile, turning round to greet his neighbour.

"Watcha-doooin'?" she asked, gazing lovingly at the object of her affection.

"We're helping Buford with his Halloween preparations. Ferb's had a great idea for a double barrelled toilet roll launcher! I think it's nearly ready for testing but we're short on ammo." Phineas said. Ferb looked up at Isabella and stuck one thumb up in the air, his face still hidden behind the welding mask.

"I can get you some!" said Isabella, keen to help out with anything that Phineas may be doing. "Mom recently got a good deal so she bought it in bulk. I'll pop home and pick up a load!" Phineas shouted out a thank you as Isabella ran off. Turning back to the table he saw that the blueprint had rolled itself up again. Looking around he noticed something was missing.

"Hey, where's Perry?"

**- Scene 2 -**

The object of Phineas' question had, at that precise moment, just ambled around the side of the house. Once out of sight he suddenly sprang into action and flattened himself up against the wall, a brown fedora being produced from somewhere and placed on the platypus' head. His eyes had changed from a blank, unintelligent stare to a cool gaze filled with steely resolve.

He was Agent P, secret agent for the OWCA.

Looking from side to side to check the coast was clear, he produced a small pistol shaped device, a three-pronged hook protruding from the end. Agent P aimed for an upstairs window that was slightly open and, with a near silent swish, the device fired the grappling hook. It flew with pin-point accuracy and latched onto the edge of the frame. Testing that it was secure, Perry pulled the trigger again and the device swiftly reeled in the line, pulling him up to the window ledge.

**~ Doo-Be Doo-Be Dooo-Bah, Doo-Be Doo-Be Dooo-Bah ~**

Swiftly leaping in through the open window Perry landed dramatically in the centre of Candace's room. Moving fast, he dove and rolled towards the door and out into the hallway, but stopped short when he heard Candace stomping up the stairs. Quick as a flash Perry snatched off the fedora and dropped back down onto all fours, assuming his blank stare again.

Candace appeared around the corner and gave a little scream of fear when she saw Perry outside her room. Perry responded by simply blinking up at her and rattling his mouth again. "Stupid platypus!" Candace yelled as Perry wandered around her and waddled down the hallway. As soon as he heard Candace's bedroom door slam closed he sprang upright, fedora once more on his head, and slipped into the bathroom. Tiptoeing to the cupboard in the corner he opened up the door and slipped in between the toilet rolls. The back of the cupboard peeled away and Perry dropped out of sight.

Deep below the ground, in a large steel room, computer monitors beeped and whirred. A huge display screen, attached to a large computer bank, flickered briefly; a grey haired, and grey moustached man, with a large black mono-brow, appeared. His dark green uniform was crisp and clean, the purple double M emblazoned clearly on one shoulder. Perry the Platypus dropped down to land in the large chair set up in front of the screen, just as Major Monogram was looking off to one side, talking to someone else. "All I'm saying Carl is that you should check before you leave the bathroom! Seeing something like that can be a shock to the system. Ah. There you are Agent P." said the Major when he caught sight of Perry and the platypus saluted crisply.

"Doofenshmirtz is up to his old tricks again and we need you to stop whatever scheme he is working on. He has been seen spending a large amount of time in the supermarket; specifically in the toilet roll section." Perry looked confused and the Major nodded, "Precisely what we thought. Whatever he is up to, it can't be good so… find out what it is and put a stop to it. Good luck Agent P."

Without a sound Perry saluted again and sprang away, determined to thwart his nemesis.

_**~ Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated! ~**_

At the top of a large skyscraper there was a section that protruded slightly, the windows in this area stretching from floor to ceiling; it was one of these windows that a small hang-glider aimed for. Upon the glider's impact the window burst inwards with a terrific smash, showering shards of glass in all directions and Agent P landed, crouched and ready for action, in the centre of a large open room.

A large, open and mostly _empty_ room.

Perry glanced around. Boxes were lined and piled up in some of the corners. Various devices were hung on the wall or discarded haphazardly. One section was filled with a sofa, a TV and various other bits that spoke of a normal life. But there appeared to be no-one home.

Perry crept through the room, moving with grace from one bit of cover to the next, eyes peeled for danger. Near the door to the balcony area was a large sheet that clearly covered a large device, metal skids poking out from underneath it. Curious, Perry started to lift the sheet when a voice drifted out of a nearby door; the voice was a little whiney and had a German accent to it. It was the voice of Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, Perry's nemesis.

"Is… is that you Perry the Platypus? You know I expected you a while ago but I'm in the lavatory at the moment and having some problems… could you just wait a moment please? I… I'm nearly done here."

Perry looked over the back of the device towards the door; a look that mixed horror and concern in one expression. With that the door opened and Dr. Doofenshmirtz walked out. He was tall and gangly but walked with a permanent hunch which made him seem shorter; his large nose protruding from his slightly manic looking face capped with an unruly bush of hair. He was wearing his usual outfit of a white lab coat, trousers and shoes and paused by the door when he saw Perry's face. "Let me just switch off the light here, Perry the Platypus, and I'll be with you."

Doof leant over to a switch on the wall and with a click activated a trap! In a blur of mechanical arms and moving metal Perry was swiftly surrounded by a box of thick plated glass, bound by metal corners and secured to the floor with huge bolts.

"Hahaa!" laughed Doofenshmirtz as he walked towards the captured secret agent, rubbing his hands in glee. "My Platypus-Capture-Inator worked this time!" His voice rose to a near shriek as he turned to the covered device and held his arms out saying, "And now! You will see the brilliance of my latest scheme!"

Turning to look at Perry again Doofenshmirtz seemed to shrink back down on himself and become more human. His voice became quieter and returned to its regular whining sound, "You see, Perry the Platypus, recently I have been troubled by the large amount of toilet paper brands available in the supermarkets. It's ridiculous!" Gesticulating wildly he walked up and down the room, his frustration evident. "You see, it is making my shopping trips take longer and longer! One-ply, two-ply, quilted, recycled, this company, that company… it goes on and on and I-I-I just can't take it anymore!"

Walking quickly Doof went to the lavatory door and pulled it open revealing piles upon piles of different brands and types of toilet roll, almost reaching the ceiling. "See, Perry the Platypus, this is what I am dealing with here! I get so confused with brands and stuff that I just end up buying all of them!" Turning from the door he shouted, "But no more!" and, grabbing the large dust sheet, he pulled it off, revealing a large mechanical device. The metal skids supported a square base which was topped by an intricate array of many coloured wires and tubes that led to a large, triangular barrel, pointing upwards to the ceiling. On the back edge was a simple control panel with a green button marked "ON".

"Behold!" yelled Doof triumphantly, "The Toilet-Paper-Away-Inator!"

Perry, imprisoned in the box, just folded his arms and looked at Doof patiently. He knew the man by now; soon the entire evil scheme would come pouring out. He just couldn't help himself.


	2. In which all things conclude

**- Scene 3 -**

Back in the garden of the Flynn/Fletcher house, Ferb had finished making the final adjustments to his latest engineering masterpiece and was busy strapping himself into it, safety goggles firmly in place to protect his eyes. The device consisted of a large metal looking backpack with two large silver tubes attached to the sides. These came down and under the operator's arms and could be guided and controlled by a pair of small joysticks, making the device extremely accurate. Small beeps and whirrs came from within the back pack and a bright yellow light shone out through a glass dome on the top of the backpack. The top of the dome had a spike upon which a small carved pumpkin and been mounted.

Phineas, Buford and Isabella were standing to one side, all with hard hats and safety goggles in place. Phineas held a thumb up to Ferb and his step-brother responded in kind. Ferb flicked the power switch and grasped the controls, the mechanical tubes making a satisfyingly robotic noise as they moved under Ferb's deft control. Phineas then called, "Okay Ferb! Commence test in 3, 2, 1!" Taking aim just above the house next door, Ferb pressed the red button mounted on the control stick.

With a dull thump a loo roll was launched at near supersonic speed and rapidly disappeared into the sky. All four children watched it vanish into the distance in awe.

"Woah," sighed Phineas, "Might need to dial it down a bit Ferb." His green haired partner in crime was already fiddling inside the backpack with a screwdriver and in mere moments threw the backpack back on, secured it around his waist again and launched another loo roll.

This one sailed gracefully over the neighbours' house, unravelling as it went so that the paper draped over the roof to hang down on either side. "Perfect!" shouted Buford. The happy bully then removed the device from Ferb's back in one swift move and strapped himself into it. With a cry of, "Say hello to my little friend!" Buford flicked the switch marked 'Fire Rate' from semi to auto and, laughing manically, pressed both triggers.

Candace was up in her room again talking on her cell phone. "Mom! You need to come home. Right now!" In her car, Candace's voice blaring from the car's hands-free kit, Mrs Linda Flynn-Fletcher sighed and shook her head, her mane of perfectly styled hair for the moment covered with a large Stetson. On the passenger seat next to her were a number of other hats in the Old West style; other Stetsons and a couple of 10-Gallon hats along with some bandoliers, patterned blankets and handkerchiefs.

.

"Candace," she said in slight exasperation, "We've got the Mexican/Cowboy party tonight and I'm coming home with some of the props. I'm about 2 minutes away. I'm sure that whatever it is can wait till I get home." She desperately hoped so. She loved her daughter dearly but this crazy obsession of hers, thinking her brothers were up to something and out ruin her life… well, it just wasn't healthy in a young teenaged girl.

Candace didn't answer straight away as she had noticed the stream of toilet rolls rapidly blasting past her window. Running to the window she leant out and saw Buford in full attack mode on the neighbours' house. She heard her mom asking if she was still there and put the phone back to her ear and yelled "Come home quickly! The boys are attacking the neighbours!" Hanging up the phone she glanced out the window again and giggled a little crazily, "Busted!" she whispered to herself, rubbing her hands in glee before dashing downstairs and out into the driveway.

Cackling softly, Candace saw her Mom's car turn into their road and begin to come closer. Turning to look over the fence, she saw that Buford was still firing rapidly. Cackling again and bouncing up and down on her toes, hands clasped before her, Candace was sure that she had them this time.

**- Scene 4 -**

Dr Doofenshmirtz, true to form, was currently expanding and explaining the full extent of his master plan to Perry. "I know what you are thinking Perry the Platypus; 'Why not find a brand you like and stick with it?' Well, you know, I thought that too." he said, gazing up at his machine. "But with so much choice and variety, how do I know I've picked the best one! I could be stuck with a brand that is not as good as another brand! So you see, I've been compelled to buy all the different types each time I shop and it-it-it's really cutting into my schedule of Evil." Doof glanced round to see if Perry was paying attention. Satisfied that he had a captive audience, he continued with his monologue.

"This wonderful device will fire a high powered beam of energy and strike every supermarket in the Tri-State area, destroying all brands of toilet paper except for one!" Looking back again at Perry, he smiled and said, "It will just make it easier all round don't you think?" Perry just frowned at his nemesis.

With an angry huff of air Heinz said, "Don't give me that look, Perry the Platypus; you do not appreciate how difficult making these sorts of decisions can be!" Waving his hand at Perry in a dismissive way, Doof turned and began to push his device out onto the balcony area.

"I'll just move this outside into the firing position and you can witness the end of difficult lavatory paper based decisions. You'll see, Perry the Platypus," he said plaintively, begging for understanding. "It'll be better for everyone really so I'm actually not being evil today… not really." Perry just glared and Doof paused, his face assuming a look that screamed innocence. "It's true, everyone will appreciate it… when they get used to the idea of course." Perry continued to stare at Doofenshmirtz until the man closed his mouth in a firm line and put his hands on his hips. "Fine! You don't have to believe me, but you will see Perry." He once more resumed pushing his device outside. "You will see soon enough! I'll leave the door open for you so you can see."

Standing outside in the fresh summer breeze, Doof adjusted the device and said in his patented Evil voice, "And now I shall point the Toilet-Paper-Away-Inator at the satellite above Danville, and the beam will then come back down and strike all of the supermarkets and destroy all brands of toilet paper except for one!" His voice changed back to his normal whine as he smiled, "Which one? I don't know, but that is part of the fun!"

He made a few final adjustments to the back of the machine before standing dramatically with one hand upraised over the "ON" button, "And now!" he yelled just as a toilet roll ricocheted off the back of his head. Spinning around he saw Perry, crouched in the doorway arms upraised in a combat stance, ready to spring.

"Perry the Platypus!" said Doof in horror, "But-but, how did you escape my Platypus-Capture-Inator?" In answer Perry held up a toilet roll. There was a long pause as both Perry and Dr Doofenshmirtz just stared at each other. "Um…" said Doof hesitantly, "You realise that that makes no sense, right?"

In response, Perry just shrugged and hurled the toilet roll straight at Doof before he sprang forward to the attack. Doof took the toilet roll in the gut, doubling over with a grunt of pain and Perry's flying kick caught him square in the jaw, knocking the gangly man down. In a sudden movement, Doof produced a toilet brush from inside his lab coat and jabbed it towards Agent P. Perry staggered back, fending the brush off and staring at Doof in horror.

Heinz waved the brush a little bit and said, "Don't worry, Perry the Platypus, it's a new one! Honest, it's not been used before!" Putting his hands on his hips he assumed a look of wounded innocence, "What sort of sick monster do you think I am?" Perry lowered his head and looked ashamed for having doubted Heinz. "Oh, it is okay Perry the Platypus, I forgive you. Now en guard!" Doof declared brandishing the brush once more.

Perry sprang back and produced a plunger, grasping it firmly above the rubber end and wielding it like a sword. The two came together in a clash of wood on plastic, fighting like duellists of old, leaping and dodging. Perry leapt up, avoiding a wild swing from Doofenshmirtz to strike the man in the face with his tail before springing past him. Doof was spun round twice before he crashed into his Toilet-Paper-Away-Inator, hitting the "ON" button with his face. He fell to the floor, stunned momentarily. The Toilet-Paper-Away-Inator started to hum louder and louder as it prepared to fire!

Anyone looking at the area around the Flynn-Fletcher house from an eagle's perspective would have been surprised at the amount of toilet paper covering the neighbours' house, their garden and, indeed, the road on the other _side_ of their house. All the various colours made a fantastic carpet of pinks, lilacs, whites and yellows, with a boy in a black t-shirt the cause of it all.

Buford was laughing and laughing hard; he was having a lot of fun with this and couldn't wait for Halloween. Isabella and the two brothers looked on a little concerned as Buford launched roll after roll over the neighbours' fence. "Um… Buford?" said Phineas hesitantly but the bully could not hear him over the sound of his own laughter.

Out in the driveway, Mrs Flynn-Fletcher pulled up. She managed to get her seat belt off mere moments before Candace had dragged the door open and yanked on her arm, pulling her from the car. Running off to the fence she yelled, "Come on Mom! Gotta bust them!" In Candace's haste to bust her brothers, she didn't notice that her mom had bumped her head on the frame of the car and the Stetson was now jammed down over Mrs Flynn-Fletcher's eyes, effectively blinding her.

"Candace!" she said in anger, "What is this all about?" In the meantime Candace had jumped up to see over the fence. She saw Buford fire one last toilet roll and then turned to her Mom.

"Mom! Get that hat off of your head and hurry up!" she yelled and ran back to help pull the hat free.

In downtown Danville, Perry dodged toilet rolls that were being flung at him by Dr Doofenshmirtz. Using the plunger, Agent P batted each one aside, moving with style and grace until he stood before the Toilet-Paper-Away-Inator. Reaching out, he grabbed hold of the device, pulling a single bolt from the machine's frame. One last toilet roll was hurled at him but he dove aside at the last second, allowing it to strike the Toilet-Paper-Away-Inator, which caused its massive laser to shift downwards just at the moment it fired. A huge, green bolt of energy blasted across the city and the toilet roll that had ricocheted off of the laser struck Heinz full in the face, knocking him down once more.

In the suburbs of Danville a large bolt of green energy made the occupants of Phineas and Ferb's backyard jump as it struck the neighbours' house and enveloped it. A moment later the green light was gone, along with all of the toilet roll. The place was cleared completely. "What was that?" asked Buford. The others just shrugged their shoulders.

At that moment, Candace dragged the hat from her mom's head, shoved open the gate to the garden and with her arm thrust out in triumph, said, "See Mom!" Her mom staggered into the garden, still a little bewildered from the last thirty seconds or so, to see the two boys and two of their friends stood in the yard. The Van Stomm boy had on what appeared to be a leaf blower and so she said, "Hi boys, hi Isabella, good thinking about the leaf blower. It'll be good to keep the yard clear of leaves when they start to fall; very thoughtful." She turned and walked away as Candace looked at the yard in horror, her bottom lip quivering in disbelief. How did they do it? How could so much evidence just vanish in a split second? It wasn't fair!

Mrs Flynn-Fletcher came back through the garden, then carrying several bags, the hats and other paraphernalia for the party. "I got pie if you're interested." she asked as she went through the door into the house. The boys and Isabella all trooped inside, Buford putting his new toy down by the door, giving it a couple of gentle pats, very satisfied with it.

On top of the Doofenshmirtz building, the Toilet-Paper-Away-Inator gave a cough and a shudder before collapsing in a pile of its component parts. Doof, in the meantime, had been examining the toilet roll that had struck him in the face. After removing it from his nose he had noticed its smoothness, its softness, the fact that it hadn't hurt when he had struck by it… this could be the toilet roll he had been searching for!

Agent P had assumed a dramatic stance, combat ready; the bolt he had removed from the machine held out in one hand. Every part of him radiated victory; but Heinz wasn't paying attention. In fact he wasn't paying attention so much that he just stood up and started to go inside, not even noticing the destruction of his latest device. Perry leapt forward and landed in front of Doof, ready for battle again, waving the bolt in his nemesis' face.

"Hmm?" said Doofenshmirtz distractedly. Looking at Perry he saw the bolt, looked back and saw his latest invention lying in smoking pieces on the floor. "Oh, yes, you found the weak point in my Toilet-Paper-Away-Inator and caused it to collapse when it fired. Very good." He continued past Perry who seemed to deflate at being ignored. Just as Doof was about to shut the door he said, "Oh yes, sorry; curse you Perry the Platypus and all that of course." The door then slid shut firmly.

Perry stood there for a moment wondering at the events of the last few moments. He was used to Doofenshmirtz's devices and schemes being thwarted in dramatic fashion and leaping away to safety in the nick of time. This was a bit of a let down, to be honest.

With a shrug he hopped off the edge of the building, his hang glider snapping open and carrying him away, across the city. There was always next mission.

**~ Aaa-Gent-Peeeee! ~**

Meanwhile Phineas, Ferb, Buford and Isabella were all sitting around the table in the kitchen whilst Mrs Flynn-Fletcher served pie and milk to them all and Candace sulked in her room at being thwarted once more. "I had fun today." said Phineas, "I was a little concerned about you for a moment Buford. You seemed to be enjoying yourself a little too much!"

"What can I say?" the bully muttered around a mouthful of pie. "I like Halloween and I'm looking forward to this one even more!" Everyone agreed with that feeling though, as Isabella pointed out, there was still a lot of summer left to enjoy.

There was a strange rattling growl from behind Ferb's chair. Phineas glanced down and said, "Oh, there you are Perry!" as the platypus wandered in, settled down under the table and seemed to fall asleep instantly. Phineas glanced around at his friends and said, "Who'd have thought that toilet paper could be so much fun?"

Ferb put down his glass of milk, wiped away the white moustache and in his British accent, strange to hear after his brother's American drawl, said "The first documented use of toilet paper in human history dates back to the 6th century BC, in early medieval China."

"You talk too much." said Buford

**~ ~ FIN ~ ~**


End file.
